Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Why Don't We Use Religion

In case you hadn't guessed I don't believe in magic. I don't believe that I've got a coin behind my ear, I don't believe that you've got my nose and I don't believe that someone just shazammed the universe into existence. Unfortunately I live on a planet with people who do believe in this sort of ridiculous twaddle, and I'm actually cool with that. I'm a big fan of nonsensical stuff the more ridiculous things there are floating around in the universe the more likely it is that I'll find something inspiring and entertaining. Hell with our all this jibber-jabber the Avengers would be short a Thor and therefore not as awesome. The only real issue is that people use these ridiculous beliefs to make important decisions, important stupid decisions with wide-reaching ramifications. So here's my question why don't we use peoples stupid beliefs against them?

This is like the least terrifying picture I could find for
'under the bed'. What the fuck is wrong with the internet

If a child tells you that there's a monster under their bed do you reason with them about the existence of monsters? No of course you don't you check under the bed and say there aren't any monsters. If you're proper smart you invent some sort of monster deterrent spray so that you don't have to keep checking under the bed. The idea is that you use the internal logic of the fantasy against them to turn it all around. With that in mind there are some simple ways to stop religion from fucking with everyone's day. So without further ado here's some ideas I have to use these ridiculous ideas against religious cluster-fucks

There is not a better image to go with 'cluster-fuck'.

Pigs Blood Bullets
All sides of the middle-east conflict i.e. absolutely fucking everyone in the middle-east shares a common belief that the man who made the universe made bacon simultaneously tasty and wrong. Hell I'm a vegetarian and even I like bacon flavoured snacks, which are vegetarian safe before you ask. However both the Jews and all of the Muslims believe that getting a tiny bit of bacon in them is an express ticket to the part of the afterlife with the lower property values. So why not just flood the area with bullets that have a little vial of pigs blood attached to the tip. Suddenly all those people ready to fight to the death because they're going to be rewarded by 72 crystal clear raisins in paradise, are actually on the express to hell if they get shot. It's not one sided either. It works as well against the Jews as it does against the Muslims. I'm sorry if you think this disrespectful to the religious beliefs of the idiots in the region but the minute you start firing machine guns at people you lose the right to be treated with respect.

I'm fully aware that I'm comparing the religious to Mythical
demons and the like but you know what I don't give a fuck.

Paedophile Murder
Not for all paedophiles obviously, I'm very much in favour of the current system of justice available for them, prison and a fuck ton of treatment... they're obviously sick... they fuck kids... that's not normal. I just want all priests who are accused of noncemanship to be shot in the face. Seriously. Not a joke. What's the issue with doing it? The priest goes to the pearly gates where he is assessed and judged and if he is a kiddy-ball-juggler he's sent downstairs to lakes of fiery oblivion if he's not a he gets taken to the land of fluffy kitten's and so forth. If you truly believe in the ever lastingness of the afterlife then the shortening of your mortal life is a nothing, it's a non-issue. I'm sensing that I've lost some of you here so allow me to explain using maths. You're entire life comes in at approximately 100 years. 100 years as a percentage of fucking infinity is 0% or at least so close to zero as to make absolutely no difference. Hence there is not a single reason to object... unless you don't believe or you like tiny boy balls.

Pictures like this are why I love Google Image Search so
very, very, very much.  I got this with just 'Creepy Priest'

Ruin The Pilgrimage
It's one of the central tenets of Islam that everyone has to make a pilgrimage to that big cube they keep in Mecca... I don't know what's in there, a dragon egg or something? Anyway next time there's a terrorist attack by Islamic Fundamentalists let's just shoot a fucking missile into the ground about twenty feet away from that thing. That's the warning. Then we say the next time that there is a single terrorist attack by anyone even slightly aligned with Islam we blow that thing off the face of the planet. Every single Muslim for the rest of time goes straight to hell. Before anyone starts attacking me for this point of view let me make it absolutely clear that I have nothing against your basic common or garden Muhammed worshipper. I don't want these people to actually go to hell... but there isn't a hell and if it takes playing around with these silly superstitions to get these numbnuts under some semblance of control let's go for it.

Ironically this is actually Buddha's lunchbox.

These ideas might seem extremely insensitive but if I have to offend the living fuck out of a few religions to put forward some ideas that might stop the human race from continuing on it's path to being a humorous joke for the rest of the universe.

eddie <bored with respecting the ridiculous>

Monday, 23 April 2012


Yo. This isn't a real post. Really it's not... are you calling me a liar. Either step-off or come at me bro, makes no diff to me. Look it's not one of my regular posting days I just wanted to pop up to give a quick shout out to a kick-starter project that looks pretty awesome.

I've discussed the importance of comedy previously, and I think this movie looks like a fun and interesting way of showing it. So go to their kickstarter and kick in a couple of quid/bucks/rubles to help these guys across the finish line.

eddie <islamaphobiaphobic... i.e. scared of those who are scared of muslims>

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Science! Industry! Future!

Let me be absolutely clear here you don't have faith in science. Science neither demands nor requires faith offering in it's stead evidence and method. That said faith is not the sole province of the religious, you can have faith in the essential goodness of people, I have faith that Joss Whedon is going to knock Avengers out of the fucking park and I have face in relentless pace of scientific advancement. That's to say I have no faith in science, instead having knowledge but I do have faith that science is going to keep coming up with all manner of groovy things. Think about it, ten years ago if you wanted to find your way somewhere you had to print out a little map and use it to navigate there, whereas now you can just take a mobile device with you and have it not work so you end up yelling at it in the street. That's progress... well in principle. Anyway my point is, yeah I have a point... I always do... OK maybe not with the womble thing but usually I do, stop looking at me like that. Anyway my point is that whilst science has been doing a lot of wicked stuff lately there's a few things I'd like to suggest that science starts working on.

Priorities people!

Better Pets
I don't know if you've seen Watchmen but the best thing about that movie, something of a let down from the greatest comic ever written, was Bubastis, Adrian Vietch's awesome genetically engineered tiger/lion/giant cat thing. I want something like that, not that exactly but I dunno... Oh I've got it I want a pet grizzly bear that can talk and hold a glass. He needs to be intelligent enough to crack-wise but not so intelligent as to think he's running the show. Or a pegasus... I'm not entirely sure that's even theoretically possible though so I'll not push that one to much. There must be a chance of me getting my hands on a pet Smilodon, preferably engineered to be less of a terrifying hell beast and more of a big loveable cat... that turns into a terrifying hell beast when I want it to attack my enemies. Or possibly a giant eagle that I can ride to the shops/Europe.

You spend roughly a third of your life fast asleep. That's not even close to necessary. Now it is possible to drop down to a series of four twenty minute naps throughout the day, seriously hit the google and check that shit out. The reason for it is that all you actually need from sleep is about an hour of REM, that's Rapid Eye Movement not the album Shiny Happy People, the rest of the whole sleep thing is just the stuff evolution bundled in as the best available method. The truth is that no-one really knows what sleep is actually for. If you don't sleep enough you go crazy and you die but no-one has any idea why. So I want science to work that out, with a view to removing sleep entirely. I know that we all love sleep, but that's only because we need it. I want to live in a world were I get an extra eight hours of free time a day. Think about the possibilities. You could stack your work week up into the first 40-50 hours of the week and have over 100 hours of free-time. I'm guessing that you'd probably only need one maybe two extra meals chucked in, so you're not going to be spending to much extra money in that free time. I could totally knock out all my weeks writing in one chunk and then spend the rest of my time partying with hookers and blow... the crazy life of an internet humorist.

Giant Pneumatic Tubes
The truth is I've given up on hover cars, teleporters or even getting my hands on a portal gun, you'd have to pry that from Chel's cold dead fingers and I'm not taking that crazy bitch on. However I'm still curious about the whole getting flung around the city in a series of large pneumatic tubes. I mean it's one of those ideas that's so preposterously science-fiction that I have no idea who first came up with it, I can't even remember seeing them in anything prior to Futurama but they've been in the box marked future in my head for as long as I can remember... Seriously I've wanted the tube system longer than I've wanted a shape changing sex-bot, and I've wanted one of them since I was six. If you don't like the idea of being sucked up into a tube and slung along at speed whilst watching the city of your choice whip by through the glass, then frankly you have the withered testes of a geriatric zombie.

Underwater City
Whilst most scientists have there eyes pointed towards the skies and dream of building an elaborate lunar city from which to launch a final attack against the ever-present Martian Menace, I'm concerned that everyone has taken there eyes of off the equally awesome concept of building a massive and unnecessary city at the bottom of the ocean, because I want to be able to visit giant squid. I'm certain that I could come up with a borderline legitimate scientific reason to build it... Geo-thermal energy... that's a legitimate thing that science could be doing at the bottom of the ocean right. I mean have we yet sufficiently studied up on the existence of the Kraken... or failing that could we just put it there to keep an eye of R'lyeh and make sure the darklord Cthulhu isn't rising any time soon.

So there's some suggestions as to what I think science should be working towards. I hope that the guy in charge of science, Stephen Hawking I think will read this and take note... if anyone who knows the Hawk-man reads this pass along my ideas.

eddie <I like my science mad>

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Wombles In The Mist

The following article works best if you can flick your internal monologue to Attenborough Mode, unless you happen to have a decent 1878 Gentleman Explorer on standby.
It had been a long and arduous trek, one I would've been unable to complete without the able assistance provided by Sherpa Kosming, but we had finally reached our destination. Wimbledon Common. I was here to learn more about the strange and peculiar creatures that made this place there home. Over the first few days of our expedition we had plenty of luck, all of it bad. Heavy rains washed away our supply tent and Kosming got a nasty cut on a bramble bush that I feared may become infected without further treatment. We were forced to abandon camp and repair to the Co-Op on Wimbledon High Street. After gathering a Twix and a Lipton's Peach Ice Tea we used a basic first aid kit to disinfect Kosming's wounds. This cost us literally an hour of our time.

The horror, the horror.

However it also led to our first change of fortune. After returning to our camp and gorging ourselves on the six pack of Monster Munch Kosming had purchased. So intent on fending off starvation were we that we neglected the refuse of our moderate feast and were soon surrounded by a moderate heap of litter. Before to long we noticed that the rubbish heap was had shrunk some what. We started to closely monitor the tiny rubbish pile. Within a few minutes the pile started to shudder and Kosming uttered the simple word on which we we'd been pinning all our hopes. “WOMBLE”

I was surprised to, Wellington.

The womble in question was a male who, due to his resemblance to my favourite fictional womble, I named Wellington. Wellington was fairly typical of the species although he may have been a few inches below the twelve inch height my research had led me to expect but the expect pattern of hair and the structure of the creature was exactly as my reading at the Natural History Museums library had led me to believe. The patterning of the fur was exactly as I expected as was the small knitted cap and scarf, as were the glasses. In addition the creature was accompanied everywhere by the soothing narrative tones of Bernard Cribbins.

Pictured: Awesome

Although initially startled when Wellington realised we intended no harm he soon relaxed and continued to gather the elements of our rubbish most useful for the construction of a small hang-glider for use in shenanigans later that day. We assisted him with his gathering and followed him through the undergrowth towards his burrow. A ramshackle building made entirely from the collected rubbish of the ages. The womble clan consisted of eight creatures, their leader was a large male who's fur was silver in colour. There were only two females in the group leading me to hypothesise that the creatures were somewhat less than monogamous, or that some of them were very lonely.

I have no idea who Madam Chalet was fucking.

Over the next few days I learnt much about the wombles and their ways eventually becoming accepted as one of the pack. The creatures seemed to bond entirely through charming misadventures of which I was involved in several. Myself and Kosming enjoyed this time thoroughly. I gained plenty of useful data and have started to compose the definitive book on these strange creatures. I belief that I managed to identify many previously unobserved traits. Both of us thoroughly enjoyed our time among the wombles, as the time came to leave I will admit that both of us shed a tear. I've had some trouble adjusting to life away from the wombles... I've actually had to hire Bernard Cribbins to narrate my life... and I will never forget my time among those Wombles in the Mist. Although I am trying to forget the multiple pop-hits the band performed.

eddie <remembers he's a womble>

Sunday, 8 April 2012

A Long Post About Brevity

I recently read a tweet by the highly accomplished writing god Steven Moffat (Doctor Who, Sherlock, Coupling, TinTin... I know it's ridiculous how good he is.). Now the point of me mentioning that is not to brag that I have the cognitive capacity to read 140 characters but because the subject matter of the tweet. He posted a brilliant link to an online writing competition, which posed the fantastic question can you write a science-fiction in a single tweet. Preposterous I hear you say... well it's not and it's also part of a grand tradition of literary brevity.

Frederic Brown wrote a horror story in two sentences:

The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock at the door...

That's basically I Am Legend in a hyper-condensed. The level of chops required to do that is outstanding. He's not the first whose had a crack at this kind of brilliantly short fiction. Arthur C Clarke had a crack at it with:

God said 'Cancel Program: GENESIS' The universe ceased to exist.

That's pretty good but to be fair Hemingway beats it for shortness with:

For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn”

But that's not even a patch on the always amazing Mr Alan Moore.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time.

But no list like this would be complete without the worlds shortest joke:

Venison's deer isn't it?

So how well did I do with my own attempts to add to this small genre of short fiction. Well obviously being me I spammed the ever loving shit out of the twitter stream so here are my attempts in descending order of length.

The lone survivor of a great people wanders the shattered, desolate wasteland wreathed in silence and solitude. Suddenly, footsteps!
132 Characters

BREAKING NEWS: RETRACTION. The highest levels of human society have not been infiltrated. Please direct any queries to an official
131 Characters

Locked inside this metal shell still beats the heart of a man filled with indescribable pain. They will feel what I cannot explain
131 Characters

Mad... Mad they called me. I'll show them, I'll show them all when THE MACHINE is complete. They'll regret everything the... BOOM!
127 Characters

In the belly of the beast soon I will die but I'll take them with me. Click. Click. Click. No! They'll be upon me soon. HELP!
125 Characters

The infection has spread. I fear I don't have long left. Containment is now the only hope. What have I become... Grr Argh!
120 Characters
Ship gone. Oxygen fading. No hope. Only death. Systems failing. Cold. So Cold. Remove helmet. Mercifully quick
111 Characters

Machines: On. Humans: Off.
27 Characters

I hate to sound immodest but I think I knocked it out of the park with that last one. Hope you enjoyed my brief romp through the realm of incredibly short fiction.

eddie <a tall short writer>


Happy Easter. Oh I fucking love this one. I've actually seen the phrase 'Jesus is the reason for the season' on the internet today. Allow me to respond to that with the exact level of discourse it deserves. HAHAHAHAHA! Easter couldn't be a less Christian affair if it tried. It's always fun to watch the embolism that the faithful give themselves when they try and justify this one.

OK, I don't know what an embolism is.

“So Jesus died on the cross for our sins... because if he didn't then his dad, who was him, would send us all to hell because of the rules that he himself made up. Then three days later he came back from the dead, thus rendering his sacrifice as pointless as the death of Superman. So obviously chocolate eggs from a rabbit.” At which point they keel over and start shuddering violently. There are a whole host of logical reasons why Easter festivities go down the way they do. It's yet another hilarious case of the world's leading society of preachy moralistic pricks being devious scheming and manipulative trundle-cunts.

Shockingly I'm implying that this guy isn't entirely on the level.

The early days of the spread of the horrifying Christian plague across the globe are the first known example of a PR campaign. The overall aim of the catholic church when they started spreading was to secure themselves a vast amount of wealth and influence. That's why the Vatican isn't a hospital, children's home or donkey sanctuary but rather the worlds most ridiculously over the top palace. As such there wasn't anything approaching principles in the early days of this cynical and rapid expansion.
One of the biggest hurdles involved in tricking everyone into handing over their hard earned money/goats/whatever-shit-they-had-back-then was the simple fact that all the pagan systems spread all over the world had some really, really, really insano-diculously balls-out awesome parties. So they Catholics turned up with there magic book and were largely told to jog-on. Strangely when they turned up the next time they suddenly had all these really similar parties. “Oh you have a Winter Solstice Festival on the same day as Jesus' birthday... What a mind-blowing coincidence.” Easter is the most transparent of these cynical ploys. Don't believe me? Well let's run through the ridiculous amount of evidence.

Yeah this is my go to for lawyer.

Easter, it's a funny word isn't it... doesn't pop up in the bible. Seriously the word Easter isn't mentioned once in any of the scriptural teachings of any denomination of Christianity. Hmm that is most peculiar isn't it... I wonder where that term could've come from. Oh sorry excuse me I've just been handed a book by one of my researchers. I'll just flick to the page that's been marked with a post-it note... Hmm here's an interesting fact, Eostre is a pagan goddess of sunrise and spring. That's some unapologetically shameless plagiarism right there they didn't even bother changing the frikkin' name.

Better than an image of a man dying a horrific death.

Spring is of course a time of life and rebirth, of eggs hatching, bunny rabbits being born and people gorging themselves on the fresh bounty of the earth. So exactly what Easter is actually all about. Well at least that explains a whole heap of stuff doesn't it. The eggs, the rabbits and of course the fact that it moves about. What hadn't you considered that? Look one of the defining characteristics of actual things that have actually happened is that we tend to know when they happened. The Great War ended on the 11th of November, the 25th of December is, of course, Isaac Newton's birthday and 9-11 happened of the 11th of the 9th (any american's reading this you guys do dates the stupid way). Whereas Easter jumps all over the shop. That's because the beginning of a season is a much harder thing to pin down than a cosmological event like a solstice.

This is on the first page of image results for Winter Solstice... I've got nothing.

So when some god-bothering toss-piece tries to convince you that the reason you get to gorge on chocolate until you vomit up a confectionery based war-crime, just remember that the only thing that Christianity brings to this entire affair is the possibility that you may have to give up a few hours of your life to sit in a room and have a paedophile tell you that you're going to hell. All the fun stuff is good old fashioned pagan fun. So sit, devour and enjoy this aggressively pagan of festivals. If you do stop to give a moments thought to God-man and Jesus the boy wonder just remember that the only link they have to this weekend is due to the massive dishonesty of there earthly representatives.

eddie <only been involved in the theft of two holidays>

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Brick, brick It Rhymes With Thick

I'm going to have to start today's post with an expression of gratitude to Mrs Samantha Brick. You see sometimes even I can run out of ideas and when you're casting around for something to talk about it's always helpful when an idiot makes a twat of themselves. So Samantha I thank you most humbly. For those of you that don't know Samantha Brick is a 'journalist' for the online side of the Daily Mail's bullshit manufacturing plant, she caused wide spread astonishment with her recent article entitled “'There are downsides to being this pretty.': Why Women Hate Me For Being Beautiful.” First of all, I don't give the slightest pico-fuck how beautiful you are the mere idea that you think that it is acceptable to write an article entitled that automatically makes you a total prick. Second of all, women don't hate other women for being beautiful if they did then all of the women in Hollywood would be unemployed, Hermione wouldn't be everyone's favourite Harry Potter character and there wouldn't be any female pop-stars.

This woman finds it hard being this beautiful...
imagine how bad it would be if she was attractive

Yep that's her... a woman whose physical attractiveness can most easily be described as 'meh'. Now I'm not going to focus on Samantha's level of physical attractiveness, that would be unkind... Also I'm going to be far to busy picking apart this insane narcissists personality. Now I fell compelled to point out that I'm not going to argue that women don't hate Samantha Brick, I hate her and I've only read one thing she's written. I just think that they're much more likely to hate her because she's the kind of person that would write an entire article about how beautiful she is i.e. a cunt. The article starts with Mrs Brick telling the story of how she was sent a bottle of champagne by the pilot off a plane she found herself aboard. Now given the whole factually inaccurate 'I'm beautiful' statement that this article is built around we can say that Samantha has a tenuous relationship with the truth at best. I however choose to believe that it is entirely plausible that a pilot could've taken a look at her and thought 'achievable'. Now a nice person would talk about how lovely this gesture was, were as Mrs Brick just shrugs the entire affair off as unsurprising.

To make up for making you look at Samantha Brick here's a
picture of Olivia Wilde... she's beautiful and we all like her.

The article is littered with references to bosses putting on weight, her ugly friends not inviting her to be a bridesmaids and the frank admission that she flirts with male bosses to get ahead at work. I hate bitches like that regardless of how attractive they are. Through out the article she relies on a series of massive broad generalisations that are further proof of her incredible ego. All men are constantly complimenting her and buying her things, I'm guessing she rationalises the many man who have not attempted to sleep with her as either better at hiding their feelings or homosexuals. Women have the good fortune to be slightly better drawn falling as they fall into two categories. Either spiteful harpies who cannot wait to attack and destroy Mrs Brick, or they are a member of the tiny category of confidantes who provide poor oblivious Samantha with scathing, insulting descriptions of those women who dare to dislike her.

Yet another beloved and beautiful woman. Emma Watson not only
played an awesome character but also is awesome in her own right

Mrs Brick has been attacked somewhat viscously for her stupendously arrogant article. Her new article shows how this is just further proof of her point. An article in which she states that no-one would disagree with Brad Pitt if he said he was attractive, but we'd rip Angelina Jolie apart for it. That's actually complete bollocks. If anyone on earth wrote an article saying people hate me because I'm amazing then everyone else on the planet would as one decide that they were a toss-pot. Samantha Brick isn't the victim of a bizarre form of discrimination but rather of insanely faulty logic. I don't know a single person who wouldn't sell a kidney for a night with Megan Fox. She is objectively stunning. However plenty of people hate her. An idiot could jump to the conclusion that people hate her because she's beautiful, or you could accept that it's more likely got something to do with the fact she's a terrible actress and by all accounts a terrible person.

Miss Felicia Day, if you don't love her please leave.

Samantha Brick has decided that this frankly hilarious backlash has proved her point. In fact the opposite is true. This backlash has united people from all genders, all walks of life and all levels of physical attractiveness in there shared hatred of this arrogant wank-smith. If you read both articles closely you'll realise that the only people who have ever been nice to Samantha Brick are people who want to fuck her. She takes this to mean that people hate her because she's beautiful the truth is that people hate her because she is a vacuous, arrogant, egotistical dick-head. I think that this is something we can all learn from, if people don't like you, the first person you should be looking to blame is them, if a few people don't like you then there is probably blame on both sides but if fuckin' everyone tells you that you're a cunt then you are probably a cunt.

eddie <distinctly average>

Monday, 2 April 2012

The Game Of Games

So I spent my Monday evening enjoying the two of bloodiest competitive events that that exist, and no one of them wasn't Wrestlemania... I haven't watched that yet, but I've heard that Triple H vs. The Undertaker is fuckin' awesome. No I watched The Hunger Games and The Game Of Thrones. Now I don't know about you guys but I regularly play games and in the process I rarely, if ever, die a needlessly horrifying death. However the odds of surviving either of these competitions is so startlingly low that you'd be better off just staying indoors. That put to one side I would like to offer a brief review of both of these things. THEY ARE AWESOME! Sorry was that to brief. OK I'll expand a little, although this review might wander off base a bit because I'm writing it whilst watching the super-hero classic The Shadow.

One of the best terrible films ever.

Right first things first I've read The Song of Ice and Fire series, well I'm half way through A Dance Of Dragons but that's the last one so it's hardly relevant to my overall understanding of the Series based on A Clash of Kings, I have not however read The Hunger Games, so who knows what darkness lurks in the heart of that book? The Shadow knows! Sorry I did say. Right The Hunger Games has obvious parallels to Battle Royale. If you haven't seen Battle Royale, stop download it and watch it right now. I'm serious. The rest of us will wait for you... You done? Good. I'll be honest it's not that relevant to the rest of this review but you really needed to watch it. What makes the Hunger Games substantially... Hold on. Is that Sir Ian McKellen? I'd forgotten he was in this... different from Battle Royale is what it's seeking to say as a film. Where Battle Royale was very much a reflection of the social issues affecting Japan at the time, The Hunger Games is entirely a product of current western culture. A slamming indictment of our modern celebrity obsessed culture with a healthy dash of the Occupy mentality. Unlike a lot of hyped up blockbusters The Hunger Games not only delivers on the hype but also gives you something to think about... What you really want to know is how good is it on a scale of one to awesome? Well I think it's this generations Matrix... and I don't say that lightly.

Just like the Matrix... except with less computers and more dead kids.

Meanwhile in the kingdom of Westeros, the should've been aborted Joffrey Baratheon/Lannister is swanning about the place like an unbearable prick and just asking more or less every more popular character to cut his smug entitled face of off his twatty murderous body. Now I'd like to do that thing that reviewers do where they try and pretend that each character is equally interesting but fuck that. Tyrion Lannister is back at his diminutive best. Swanning about very much like he owns the place with nothing but charm, cunning and a frankly staggering intellect to his name. He isn't just the best character in Game Of Thrones he's in the top twenty of all time. I'll be honest with you there is an awful lot of set-up in this episode because there is an awful lot of loose threads flapping from the first series. That said I know where this is going and its steaming straight towards Epic Street Station. The series also has a wonderful habit of only substantially varying from George RR Martins masterpiece to fulfil the 'what-if' fantasies of the readers. Oh and the dragons and the dire-wolves are shaping up to look pretty freakin' sweet. Also the opening of this... wait a minute Alec Baldwin has just found the secret building... Oh Tim Curry you are gonna get it now... series has some of the most brutal scenes I've seen on a TV show.

... and none of them involve Tyrion related dwarf-sex.

In fact Game of Thrones is significantly bloodier than the 'aimed at young-adults' Hunger Games. That said Hunger Games isn't exactly sparing with the brutality and it doesn't require a huge amount of imagination and it is, after all, a film about children fighting to the death. However I would give a toe to see an uncut version of this film. I bet the Shadow could get a copy... you know except that he lives in the twenties or some shit... I dunno the cars have running boards and Tim Curry was just firing a tommy-gun when was that? I'm going to apologise for what I'd hoped would've been a reasonable attempt to review two awesome things that I would very much like to encourage you to watch and enjoy has instead degenerated into stream of consciousness bibble due to my inability to stay focussed.

... uh? What was I saying?

So in conclusion I'd like to urge you to watch the Hunger Games, watch all of Game of Thrones and read both of them. I'd also highly recommend watching the Shadow... he knows what darkness lurks in the hearts of men... also it's fuckin' stupidly brilliant or brilliantly stupid.

eddie <got game>

Sunday, 1 April 2012

True Lies

This week in Britain a Tory said something, other people in this country believed the words that the Tory said and then the country exploded. To explain a little more, one of the Tory's said that there was going to be a strike by the people who deliver petrol. This was a lie. Some people in this country believed that this was going to happen and took the excessively sensible precaution of purchasing some fuel. This led to a brief fuel shortage, this led to more people seeing the good sense in taking the precaution of buying some fuel. This continued in a series of logical steps until there was no fuel in the country,the price of any that arrived was triple what it should be and the government had made a substantial amount of money off of the revenue. Then the union involved announced that they were not intending to strike. A huge amount of panic caused, real issues for the countries infrastructure and a huge number of people made to feel like utter fools. Now I don't drive so I did spend a whole chunk of this affair with a cynical cackle lurking just behind my lips. However it wasn't the simple joy of schadenfreude that made me laugh so much at this entire cluster-fuck, oh no it was the simple fact that everyone involved deserved what happened to them. They made one of the most ridiculous errors in the world. They believed a Tory.

That's not even his real arm.

Now I feel I should be completely clear on this one and say it was one of the blue tories that was responsible for this particular incident, although the yellow and the red tories were conspicuous in their silence. It is a fundamental truth of the British political system that tories lie. I'm not just referring to the big lies, about things like policy, ideology and basic human values but also about things like what they had for lunch, what bands they like and how many rent-boys they've fucked that day. Scholars have spent a lot of time and effort researching this phenomena and have still not been able to say whether the pathological need to lie is a side-effect of the soul removal procedure that occurs when a person joins the UK political system or whether the inability to tell the truth under any circumstances is what first brings these insidious creatures to the attention of the dark cabals that run these organisations.

"Personally, I feel, that Ethiopia could use another famine."

This is of course only one of the vast multitude of lies that the blue team have told since they were not elected to run this country. We had an election and we all agreed that we didn't want any of these cunts running the show and as a result of our incredibly fair electoral system we now have two of these fuck-buckets in charge of things. No we were also told by the Prime Minister and Supreme K'jhaltot of the Lizard People David Cameron that 'We're all in this together'. As it transpires what this actually meant was that his rich friends weren't going to be able to stay rich without a whole bunch of poor people to stamp upon. Stamping on paupers is in fact the only reason rich people bother to get rich in the first place, it doesn't hurt that the very best results are achieved with solid gold shoes... but I digress the point I'm trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, is that tories lie and if you start listening to the things that liars say then life is going to get very difficult.

Speaking of liars... He's never even been to London.

My advice is simple. Don't listen to a single word that any of the tories, regardless of what colour they wear, ever say. It may seem like it's difficult to keep yourself at arms length of the constant stream of utter bullshit that these monkeys spout as part of their owners plans to get you to support the concept of your own moral, spiritual and financial rape, but in actuality the opposite is true. Reading the commentary of good journalists acts as a bullshit filter. Unfortunately in Britain we don't have that many journalists, most of the time we have to settle for reporters instead. So the best way to go about it is to ignore anything you see or hear when a politician is on screen. Instead seek out real cynical bastards with a flair for research and read what they have to say about recent political events and then don't believe that until you've checked it all out yourself... It's a lot of work but it's the only way to navigate a political system populated entirely with lying bastards

eddie <deep mistrust is a hallmark of intelligence>